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The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

By Bill Maher

From the New York Times bestselling writer and host of HBO’s genuine Time, invoice Maher’s most modern choice of political riffs and savagely humorous feedback for conserving sanity in an insane international.

New Rule: the subsequent Republican conference needs to be held in an incredible closet. per week there’s a brand new homosexual Republican outed. i've got a sense that “big tent” they’re continuously conversing approximately is of their pants. there are such a lot of Republicans within the closet, their image shouldn’t be an elephant; it's going to be a moth.

New Rule: If one in all your information organization’s headlines is set who bought kicked off Dancing with the Stars final evening, you’re now not a information association. type of like, in case you have been on Dancing with the Stars final evening, you’re now not a celebrity.

Media, superstar, Democrats, Republicans, faith, young children, marine lifestyles, electronics, that couple making out within the subsequent booth—when it involves lighting fixtures up his objectives, invoice Maher is an equal-opportunity destroyer. The New New Rules bargains Maher’s new and best-loved observations in regards to the international round us, besides a few modest counsel for its development. simply because wouldn’t existence be a bit larger if the interior of the place of work microwave didn’t appear like a Jackson Pollock portray, or if fathers stopped signing up their nine-year-olds to win unfastened looking journeys? Scathingly humorous and relentlessly unafraid of delicate themes, Maher’s hilarious model of realism is extra welcome and helpful than ever. So chill out, learn on, and revel in. you could now not believe all his perspectives, yet one thing’s for convinced: If you’re listening, you’re giggling.

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That’s correct, fathers are signing up their children to win loose looking journeys. nice time to determine she’s pissed approximately no longer getting that doll. I’m sorry, however the first time your daughter may still see a shotgun is at her marriage ceremony whilst she’s fourteen. loss of life TO POOCHY New Rule: Don’t suppose undesirable that the Taco Bell Chihuahua died. sure, the Taco Bell Chihuahua has long past to his nice present within the floor. Oddly adequate, the reason for demise? Taco Bell. yet don’t fear, fanatics. if you'd like to go to the dog’s is still, simply order a Burrito Grande.

Pricey ABBY New Rule: You can’t submit a e-book if the one humans attracted to interpreting it don’t understand how to learn. Jersey Shore’s Mike “The state of affairs” Sorrentino has a brand new publication out, which increases the query, are you able to get herpes from a e-book? the precious HUNTER New Rule: if you happen to supply a nine-year-old a searching rifle, count on to have a gap on your head subsequent to the single you have already got. That’s correct, fathers are signing up their childrens to win loose looking journeys. nice time to determine she’s pissed approximately now not getting that doll.

The 3 settings at the moment are “cook,” “defrost,” and “hepatitis. ” If you’re unlikely to scrub the rattling factor, at the least take out no matter what is becoming in there as a way to harvest the stem cells. religion HEEL New Rule: sooner or later, you don’t have to express us the image of fellows like Terry Jones. when you let us know he’s an Evangelical pastor, he’s from Florida, and he desires to burn the Koran to ship a message to them A-rabs . . . we’re beautiful definite he appears like this. model OF THE CHRIST New Rule: If you’re recognized for beating the mummy of your baby, you possibly shouldn’t put on a wife-beater.

I’ve obvious much less scary twins within the Shining. Steven Tyler observed this and stated, “Wait. There are of me, and I’m at the conceal of Newsweek? Who did my make-up? i glance like shit. ” HYPE CASTING New Rule: Now that every one information on CNN and Fox information, irrespective of how outdated, is being billed as “breaking information” or “happening now,” information that really is breaking and/or taking place now needs to get its personal photograph that says, “No, heavily, men, we’re no longer fucking round this time, this can be really taking place now. ” I I SHOT THE SERIF New Rule: the distance doesn’t desire a new emblem.

DAS BOOTY New Rule: She won weight; she misplaced weight. She’s enjoying an illiterate with an accessory in a Holocaust motion picture. She’s taking her outfits off in harsh gentle, crying, donning old-lady make-up. For the affection of God, will we provide Kate Winslet her Oscar so that they can all get on with our lives? DATE CRIME New Rule: in case you dragged your guy to consume, Pray, Love this summer season, he will get to take you to a film referred to as soccer, Jerk Off, Nap. pricey ABBY New Rule: You can’t put up a publication if the single humans attracted to analyzing it don’t understand how to learn.

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